[Q] What's
the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
[A] "Hey y'all... Watch this!"
Did you hear about the redneck who passed away and left his entire estate
in trust for his beloved widow? It's sad, you know. She won't be able to
touch a penny of it until she's fourteen.
[Q] What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?
[A] The good ol' boy raises livestock. The redneck gets emotionally involved.
[Q] What's the most popular pick up line in Arkansas?
[A] Hey, nice tooth!
A girl from the South
and a girl from the North were seated side by side on a plane. The girl
from the South, being friendly and all, said, "So, where ya'll from?"
The Northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to
use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from the South sat quietly for a few moments and then replied,
"So, where ya'll from, bitch?"
[Q] How do you know
when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel?
[A] When you call the front desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink"
and the person at the front desk says "Well then, go ahead."
[Q] Did you hear why they raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to
32?
[A] Because they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
[Q] What do they call "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
[A] A documentary.
[Q] What do they call "Hee Haw" in Kentucky?
[A] "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous."
[Q] How many rednecks does it take to eat a 'possum?
[A] It takes two; One to eat, and one to watch for oncoming traffic.
[Q] Why did God make armadillos?
[A] So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Too Much Of A Good
Thing?
Four men, one each from Idaho, Iowa, New York, and North Carolina, were
on a cross-country road trip together. The guys from Idaho and Iowa were
in the front seat, and the New Yorker and North Carolinian were in the back
seat. The car had been en route for about two hours when the man from Idaho
rolled down his window and began tossing potatoes from a bag he had with
him out of the car.
The guy from North Carolina said, "What the heck are you doing?"
"We have way too many potatoes in Idaho," he replied, "and this
is a great way to get rid of some!"
After another hour passed, the Iowan rolled down his window, opened his
duffle bag, and began tossing out ears of corn.
The New Yorker said, "Now what the heck are you doing?"
The Iowan replied, "We have far too much corn in Iowa, so I figured this
would be a great opportunity to get rid of some!"
About a half hour later, the guys in the front seat heard a commotion in
the back and turned to look. They saw that the North Carolinian had rolled
down his window and was tossing out the guy from New York.
[Q] How can you tell
if a redneck is married?
[A] There's tobacco spit stains on both sides of his pickup truck.
[Q] What is a Redneck's defense in court?
[A] "Honest your Honor, I was just helping the sheep over the fence."
Alabama Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough
(they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his
doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin
didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was
a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.
The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal
in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear
and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest
man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my
ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second
opinion.
The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for
a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead
told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer
can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.
Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home,
lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear
and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused,
placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand..
Rules Is Rules!
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed
couple had all recently moved to a small rural community in the southern
Bible Belt, and wanted to join the local independent church.
The preacher explained to them, "You need to understand that we have special
requirements for new members. You must abstain from having marital relations
for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The preacher first
talked to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from marital
relations for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Praise be! Congratulations, brother and sister! Welcome to the church!"
said the preacher.
Next the pastor talked with the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were
you able to abstain from marital relations for the whole two weeks?" The
man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep
on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it." "Praise be! Congratulations,
brother and sister! Welcome to the church!" said the preacher.
Then the pastor spoke with the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you
able to abstain from marital relations for two weeks?" "Sorry Pastor, but
we were not able to go the full two weeks without relations," the young
man replied sadly.
"What happened?" inquired the pastor. "Well, we've been trying to fix up
the house a little, and my wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top
shelf and dropped it."
"I don't see what that has to do with anything," the Pastor puzzled
aloud.
"Well, you see, when she bent over to pick it up, I couldn't help myself.
I was overcome with lust; I grabbed her and we went at it right there and
then."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,"
stated the pastor.
"We understand," said the young man, "but that's not the worst of it."
"But what could be worse than that?" the preacher asked.
"We're not welcome at the Home Depot anymore, either."
|
Southern
Medical Terms
|
Benign
Artery
Bacteria
Barium
Cesarean Section
Catscan
Cauterize
Colic
Coma
D&C
Dilate
Enema
Fester
Fibula
Genital
G.I. Series
Hangnail
Impotent
Labor Pain
Medical Staff
Morbid
Nitrates
Node
Outpatient
Pap Smear
Pelvis
Post Operative
Recovery Room
Rectum
Secretion
Seizure
Tablet
Terminal Illness
Tumor
Urine
Varicose
|
What you be, after you be eight.
The study of paintings.
Back door to cafeteria.
What doctors do when patients die.
A neighborhood in Rome.
Searching for Kitty.
Made eye
contact
with her.
A sheep dog.
A punctuation mark.
Where Washington is.
To live long.
Not a friend.
Quicker than someone else.
A small lie.
Non-Jewish person.
World Series of military baseball.
What you hang your coat on.
Distinguished, well known.
Getting hurt at work.
A Doctor's cane.
A higher offer.
Cheaper than day rates.
I knew it.
A person who has fainted.
A fatherhood test.
Second cousin to Elvis.
A letter carrier.
Place to do upholstery.
Damn near killed him.
Hiding something.
Roman emperor.
A small table.
Getting sick at the airport.
One plus one more.
Opposite of you're out.
Near by/close by.
|
|
Twenty
ways to spell Mas . . . Maz . . . Massz
. . . . er, uh, the Lobsta State
Massesschucets
Masuhchoosits
Massachucitts
Mazahchewzits
Massechuzitts
Masachooscets
Massochoosits
Mazzichewssitts
Massasschoozetts
Massachusetts
Massachucets
Maszuhchoozutts
Massichusits
Maassaachoossitts
Masochucetts
Masochoossitts
Massochusitts
Mazsachuuzets
Maasachuusetts
Masachussitts
....... So what difference does it make?
|
|
| Justification Form
for a trip to Massachusetts |
If you live in North
Carolina, and you ever consider traveling to Massachusetts, you need to
be aware of a new law that was championed in the legislature by mental health
experts. Anyone from North Carolina professing to actually WANT to travel
to Massachusetts must fill out the following form. Its purpose is to force
you to consider thoroughly your strange decision, and to also help mental
health officials decide whether you should instead be committed. Once you
read through the form, you will see how this can be very beneficial to North
Carolina.
|
JUSTIFICATION
FOR TRIP TO MASSACHUSETTS
Applicant: _____________________
Date of Trip: _________________
Personal information:
Applicant is Southern by:
[ ] Birth
[ ] Grace of god
[ ] Actually a colonizing Yankee (NOTE: if checked, must also fill out form
JUSTIFICATION FOR RETURNING FROM TRIP TO MASSACHUSETTS)
Trip information:
Purpose of trip:
[ ] Laughing at Yankee customs
[ ] Looking for long-lost cousins
[ ] Espionage
[ ] Hunting
[ ] Fishing
[ ] My boss made me go
[ ] Wanted to try some lobsta
[ ] Passing through on the way to hunting in the North woods
[ ] Considering relocation (NOTE: only colonizing Yankees may check this
one without also filling out form REQUEST TO HAVE HEAD EXAMINED)
Intended length of stay:
[ ] 1 day to 1 week
[ ] 1 to two weeks
[ ] two weeks to 1 month
[ ] one month or longer
[ ] I ain't coming back (NOTE: if this is checked by a colonizing Yankee,
please fill out form REQUEST FOR DOOR NOT TO HIT ME IN THE ASS ON THE
WAY OUT)
Intended point of re-entry:
[ ] Family's country home
[ ] Containment Area for Relocated Yankees (CARY)
(note: colonizing Yankees MUST check this one)
[ ] Other NC city
[ ] Nags Head Brew-thru
Will the applicant be driving in Mass.?:
[ ] No
[ ] Only off bridges in Chappaquidick
[ ] In the left lane of all freeways at all times, dammit what's wrong with
that?
[ ] With left blinker on at all times
[ ] With middle finger extended (warning: Should only be attempted by colonizing
Yankees)
The undersigned certifies that he or she understands that
the state of North Carolina cannot guarantee supply of good BBQ or Iced
tea to applicant while he or she is in Massachusetts. Furthermore, the undersigned
certifies that he or she will not return to North Carolina with any Massachusetts
notions, including but not limited to: high taxes are desirable, Kennedys
are decent people, relatives shouldn't marry, turn signals should be used
on cars, or R's at the end of words are silent. Failure to abide by these
conditions may result in denial of re-entry.
(signed)_______________________
Notary (seal)
For office use only:
Approval:
[ ] denied
[ ] granted
Reentry:
[ ] don't come back here yankee (have applicant fill out certification form
"IF I EVER DO, I'LL BRING MORE MONEY")
[ ] unconditional
[ ] to the containment area only
Approving clerk signature: ____________________________
|
 |
|
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credit included. If you are aware of
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