Southern
affluence is as unmistakable as the smell of
a skunk, or the smell of spent gunpowder. Not
that it's bad, mind you, but it does tend to
stand out like a police car at a cockfight.
Of course, that's the whole purpose of it,
I reckon. Here's a few Sure Signs of Southern
Affluence so you will understand what I
mean.
|
 Southern
Affluence can be expressed in many ways. Here
we find a quaint home with more cars than Joe's
Super-Emporium Automobile Warehouse, and yet
it doesn't stop there. The cream-colored pickup
truck has a comfortable brown plush vinyl recliner
in the back from which the man of the house
can sit on a lazy afternoon and survey his
sprawling domain. No doubt the neighbors are
envious, because they know there's a lot of
other great uses for a recliner in the back
of your pickup. |
 |
The
Top Ten Things You Can Do From Your
Favorite Recliner-lounger in the Back of Your
Pickup: |
(10) deer
hunt
(9) turkey hunt
(8) go surf fishing
(7) watch the cockfights
(6) take in a drive-in movie
(5) enjoy the Saturday Night stock car
races with your feet up while everyone else has
to sit in the bleachers
(4) get a tan
(3) fish by the bridge on Highway 38
(2) pass a lazy Sunday afternoon leering
at the tourists going by on the main road
and the Number One Thing You Can Do From Your
Favorite Recliner-lounger in the Back of Your
Pickup:
(1) cool off at the car wash on a hot
July day
(and dont' forget that if the vibrator gives
out, you can simply have your wife drive you
across the back pasture at 40 MPH to get a comforting
massage)
So when it comes to how you spend those excess
bucks, consider a lounger in the back of your
pickup. It's a hoot.
|
 The
old motor home RV is a classic
indication of southern affluence, and certainly
one of the bigger expenditures one can
make. Of course, once it's paid for, it's
hard to let it go. Inversely phrased, by
the time it's paid for it's so old you
can't give it away. But that's okay, since
there are some very useful things you can
do with it even when you can't get parts
for it any longer: |
The
Top Ten Uses for an Old Motor Home RV: |
(10) Makes
a great place to store all the stuff you don't
have room for in the trailer.
(9) When relatives come in from out of
town, it can double as a guest house.
(8) Your teenagers can use it for parties
without disturbing your precious TV time with
Jerry Springer, Judge Judy, King of the Hill,
The Simpsons, or WWF wrestling.
(7) Take advantage of its unique rust
pattern and us it as a handy way to identify
your trailer from all the others along the same
road.
(6) Block the view so you don't have to
watch the neighbors as they stare enviously at
your RV parked in the yard.
(5) As seen in the photo above, us it
as a privy hedge. Placing it between the mobile
home (comfortably nestled in the cool shade)
and the busy road provides privacy for when you
want to mow the yard in your underwear (assuming
you have grass in the yard and/or a mower).
(4) Think of all the creative things you
can do to it with Christmas lights and holiday
decorations. Then there's Halloween, and Thanksgiving,
and 4th of July . . . . . .
(3) You can sit on top of it with a cooler
of beer and pretend you're at a Busch Grand National
race as you watch the teenagers go flying by
on Saturday evenings.
(2) You can use it for perimeter defense
when anyone tries to serve a warrant, thus you
can avoid getting the trailer all shot up.
and the Number One Use for an Old Motor Home
RV:
(1) Get a computer, the NASCAR Racing
game CD, put a big computer monitor on the hood
facing the windshield, and voila, instantly you
have your own home business running a "virtual" bus
driver training school.
|
 The
Camo Home
Truly a sign of Southern Affluence, the Camouflaged
House is rated in the top ten "Gotta Have's" of
southern high society. Imagine all the fun YOU
can have with your very own (invisible) camouflaged
home:
- Invite
all the inlaws to a huge beer bust and
watch them all driving up and down the
road frantically looking for your house
all afternoon while YOU finish the keg
by yourself.
- "Go
ahead, Barney, tell Andy what you told
me." "Well, Andy, I seen him thow a beer
can out tha winder, so I turned on tha
blue light an' chased him 'til he drove
inta this little gravel road, and then
a big ol' door opened in tha trees there,
an' jis swallered him up, Andy, He jis
simply disappeared."
- Take
pot shots at the feds and revenuers and
watch them go crazy trying to find you.
- When
those pesky neighbor kids throw a football
in your yard, go get it and tell them to
go for a long one, only throw it toward
the house. It's a hoot when they run headlong
into the side of the house and crack their
skulls, and wonder what it was they hit.
- Lay
down on your stomach along the peak of
the roof and flap your arms yelling "Hey
ya'll.....watch this, I'm flying, I'm flying" and
amaze your friends.
- Don't
worry about when your daughter gets to
be dating age, her dates will never be
able to find the place. If one of them
can, then he's a good enough hunter and
tracker that he might actually be suitable
for her to marry after all.
- The
repossession company won't ever find your
new pickup you haven't made the last six
payments on. But just don't drive it to
work.
|
 The
Magic Garage is, without a doubt, one
of the most innovative (and expensive) technical
creations of our time. Owning one of these
is a sure sign of affluence if there ever
was one, and as you can see by the choice
of pickup truck, these folks have money to
burn. This wondrous building appears to be
no more than a double-wide storage shed,
but when the doors are opened, the marvel
of modern physics is revealed. Inside is
enough room to not only pull in a car and
a full-sized long-bed crew-cab pickup truck,
but there's actually room for a workbench
and parking space for the riding mower along
the back wall. This is done by creating something
called an "extradimensional space", and it
is all accomplished by an amazing array of
electronics and atomic substructure generators
which completely line the inner walls of
the building, hidden beneath the stainless
steel wall covering. You are obviously the "creme
d'la creme" of credit card jugglers
if you can afford one of these. One side
benefit: if they come to repossess
the pickup, you can hide it in there and
no one will ever think to look in the "little
storage shed" for it.
Click here for More
Signs o'Suthern Afluince . . . . |
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