You
Might
Be An
Affluent
Southerner
If......
- None of your kids have TWO names (Billy,
not Billy Bob; Martha, not Martha Sue)
- You have a high school diploma, AND you
can read it
- Your credit card has your OWN name on it
- People call you "Sir" even when you're
not packing a gun
- Your car parts came from a STORE
- You've never actually had to milk a cow
- All the chickens in your yard are made
of plaster
- None of your kids are first cousins to
each other
- You can't smell a hog farm from your house,
no matter what direction the wind is blowing
- The phrase "Time's up" doesn't mean "You're
getting out of jail today"
- Depositing your paycheck in the bank brings
the balance above zero
- The county magistrate has never seen you
before
- You don't need a charge account at the
Dollar Store
- Your best crystal has matching screw-on
lids
- Your hot water heater isn't just a pot
on the stove
Sure
Signs
of Southern
Affluence
- A 1971 lime green Gremlin with a personalized
license plate that reads: "PAID FUR"
- A swimming pool that is so big you can't
inflate it by mouth
- A single-wide mobile home with tall white
columns on the front porch
- Starched overalls
- A pickup truck with four matching tires
- All the shingles on the house are the same
color
- Neighbors are envious of your gravel driveway
- The TV antenna is on a METAL pole
- The family portrait is taken with everyone
wearing their BEST T-shirt
- The basketball goal has a NET
- A garden that has more flowers than vegetables
- A double-wide with a wooden deck AND a
plastic pool
- An RV in the yard that doesn't have a long
wide black stripe along the side of it where it used to say "County Schools"
- In the wedding photo the bride and groom
are wearing custom printed T-shirts that say "His'n" and "Hers"
- Five cars in the yard, and one of them
ACTUALLY RUNS
- The back window of the pickup has a THREE-tiered
gun rack
You
Know You
Live In
An Affluent
Southern
Neighborhood
When....
- There's not a SINGLE-wide in sight
- You have to wash gravel dust instead of
red dust off your aluminum siding
- You look out your window and can't tell
whether all the trailers with big satellite dishes are the neighbors or the national TV media
swarming at a news event
- The
phrase
"Come
and
get
it"
doesn't
mean
the
next
door
neighbor's
husband
is
on
a
long
haul
- Having a garden party doesn't mean "Everybody
bring a hoe and shovel and help me plant tomatoes"
- Having a pool party means swimming, not
eight ball
- There are so many big satellite dishes
in your neighborhood it looks like the SETI array
(for you non-techies that's Search for ExtraTerrestrial Intelligence)
- The neighbor's pigs are Vietnamese potbellies
- Your birdfeeder doesn't get shot at when
the squirrels come to visit
- None of your neighbors drive a "semi" home
from work
- You don't need a rowboat to get to the
main road after a rain
Some
Other
Signs
of Suthern
Afluince
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