| We southerners
have our own ways of doing things. This page should help you to understand our unique way of looking
at the world, which is . . . . by facing South. |
Things you might hear a Southerner Say:
Exclamations:
"Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"
"Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."
"Well, hush my mouth."
Threats:
"I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style."
"This'll jar your preserves."
"Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"
"I'll be all over you like a duck on a Junebug."
"I'll be all over you like stink on sh!t."
Good Things/Compliments:
"Cute as a sack full of puppies."
"If things get any better, I might have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."
"Gooder than grits."
"This is more fun than baptising cats."
The Weather:
"It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."
"It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."
Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."
A really bad rain storm is called "a frog strangler."
Descriptions:
A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."
When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no 'count."
If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."
"He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."
A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."
A person with a stupid grin is said to be "Grinnin' like a sheep eatin' briars."
Insults:
"She's uglier than homemade soap."
"He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."
"Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."
"He was so ugly his momma wouldn't even feed him."
"He was so ugly he had to chase the bucket to get a drink of water."
(Any insulting statement is always followed by "Well, bless his/her heart.")
"Bear" sent these useful tips
for
Proper Redneck Etiquette
-while in a vehicle-
- Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
- When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
- Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
- When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
ask her to bring back beer.
- Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
- Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
-for personal hygiene-
- Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
- If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
- While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
- Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter
and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours.
Note: It's a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.
-at the table-
- Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile home costs just as much as yours.
- A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
-for your pet-
- Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
- If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them alone for a few minutes.
-on a date-
- Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
- Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting to go
out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom wall two years
ago."
- If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
-at the movies-
- Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
- Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
-for weddings-
- Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
- It's not OK for the groom to bring a date to the wedding.
- When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
- A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but also
a proven fly deterrent.
- For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable,
say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
-in general-
- Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
- Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
- It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
- Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to funeral home.
- The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
if other people are around.
- Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
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Notice: The contents of this page were
sent to Bubba as email. If no credits are given it is because the email came with no authors credit
included. If you are aware of any copyrights pertaining to the contents of this page, please email
directly to Bubba so that
proper credit may be given, or items removed as desired by the author. |
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