One of the most loved animals
in the South is the Whitetail Deer. We love to shoot them, and we love to eat them,
we love to stuff them to hang on the wall of the den, and we would love it when we
hit them with the pickup truck when they play chicken with us on the highway, if it weren't for
the damage they cause to the grille, and the windshield, etc., etc., etc.
In spite of this, there are still people who love them even more than that. They love
them so much that they actually keep certain domesticated species of deer in their yards as pets.
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Miniature Alert Deer
Scientific Name:
Antimaximus Domesticus Erectus |
Alert
Deer: Left
you see the miniature
"Alert" deer. This species is normally about 40 to
44 inches high at the shoulder, and are usually
kept in mated pairs, often with a fawn. Though
these are called "Alert" deer, their function is
much like that of a scarecrow, however, the term "Scaredeer" never
really caught on. "Alert" deer
has proven much more popular. Note how their tails
stick straight up. They were breed for this genetic
trait. This might not mean much to you, but in
deer language (to any other species of deer) it
can
mean several things.
- If only the buck (that's the male deer) has his tail shooting straight up, it means "Hey pretty
Doe, baby, I'm sure happy to see you."
- If the doe (that's the girl deer) has her tail straight up, it means "Hey, big buck, let's
go frolic in the woods tonight."
- But as in the photo above, if they BOTH have their tails up, and especially when there's a
fawn (that's the baby deer) close by, it means "Oops, watch out, there's danger here."
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Thus,
the Alert deer in the photo above are serving
to "alert" passing deer to danger, or in essence,
"scaring" them away. This helps keep other unwanted
species of stray deer from eating your flowers, your
favorite exotic bushes, your garden, and anything
else that they wouldn't be caught dead eating
if it grew in the woods, but will go out of their
way to eat if it's growing in your yard.
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Giant Dachshund Deer: At
the right you see an unusual species which is often mistaken for deer lying down. If these deer
had ordinary legs they would stand upwards of 60 inches at the shoulder. However, because they have
little bitty short stubby legs like "Wiener" dogs (Dachshund) they actually stand only about 20
to 24 inches at the shoulder. When in the grass, as in the photo at right, you can't tell if they're
lying down, or actually poised to sprint and attack. In addition, their gray bodies and reddish
brown heads allow them to blend in with nearby rocks, an extremely effective camouflage. |
Giant Dachshund Deer
Scientific Name: Maximus Wienercanus Domesticus
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Toy Deer
Scientific Name: Figitus Franticus Domesticus |
| Toy Deer: One of the most popular species
of pet deer is the "Toy" deer. No, these are not toys, they're just very small, like Toy Poodles
and Toy Chihuahuas. They never exceed 18 inches high at the shoulder. And like their canine counterparts,
they are very hyper and nervous, darting about the yard frantically running towards or away from
something or other. They are a lot of fun to watch, but are very difficult to raise and keep. Like
the "Alert" deer (from which they were breed) their tails stick straight up all the time. However
they are totally useless for warding off unwanted stray deer, since, due to their diminutive size,
other deer simply will not take them seriously. |
Target Deer
Scientific name:
Lawnus Decorum Plasterus |
Target Deer
Here
we see what happens when people actually decorate
their yards with fake deer, especially fake deer
that look too much like the Whitetail
Deer we love to have in our freezers and hanging
in our dens and rec rooms. A couple of beers (a
couple too many, that is) and/or tricky lighting
(such as headlights or floodlights) can make these
plaster, wood, fiberglass, plastic or concrete
creations believable enough that we just have
to pull over the pickup truck, grab a rifle and
scope off the gunrack in the back window and see
if
we can take a trophy home. If you really have
to decorate your yard with realistic fake deer,
there are twelve good rules to follow listed below: |
12
Ways to Safely Decorate With Deer Statues
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- Assuming that a bullet will follow a straight
path along its trajectory, do NOT place the deer decoration anywhere along a line of sight between
your house and any road or highway.
- Get several of the large print signs that
say "We got our deer statues at ValueMart". This assumes, however, that passersby can read.
- Take the deer statues in at night when
you put out the cat.
- Place the deer statues at the BACK of the
house for your own viewing pleasure, and let your neighbors get their own deer statues.
- Place that bright blue plastic tarp over
them when you're away, and no one will be able to distinguish them from the rest of the junk
you have in the yard.
- Get a red light bulb, tape it to the deer
statue's nose, and turn it on at night. This MIGHT give passersby a clue that it is NOT real.
(DO NOT do this between Thanksgiving and New Years, however, as SOME people don't care whether
it's Rudolph or not. Any good taxidermist can cosmetically alter the nose for a small additional
fee.)
- Tie a white flag to its antlers at night
or when you're away and maybe they'll just carry it off without a shot being fired.
- When you call in during the commercial
while watching the Saturday Afternoon Movie, tell them you're interested in the EXTRA THICK
aluminum siding and double-pane bulletproof windows.
- Dress several mannequins in camo and place
them in various positions around the deer statue at night to make people think someone has already
bagged it. On second thought, get bulletproof vests for the mannequins, and perhaps you won't
have to replace them quite as often.
- Don't place the deer statues close to either
the big satellite dish, or the small satellite dish. Some of these guys are good enough shots
they can actually hit the small dishes too.
- Put the deer statue in front of your mother-in-law's
house instead.
- While you're feeling generous, why not
give one to your ex too. And if you find them on a "two-for-one" special, get one for your ex's
lawyer while you're at it.
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