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Translated
into "Yankee" English by my beautiful
assistant, Misty
Woods.
Page design by that weirdo, TechnoNerd. Copyright
Notice and Disclaimer.
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(Scientific
name:
Pontificus Maximus Amphibia Bullisauri)
The
legendary Great Southern Guardian Bullfrog
is as much a part of southern American
culture and folklore as the Snipe (as in "Snipe
Hunt") and the three-legged chicken. As
seen in the two photos on this page, it
is usually represented by large cement
statuettes which guard the entrance to
southern mansions. These statuettes normally
measure two feet or so from nose to tail,
(virtually life size). It is customary
to use one statuette on each side of the
entrance (footpath, driveway, or road)
and displayed on a pedestal which varies
in height with the size of the property
which it is entrusted to protect. For example,
a quaint mobile domicile (one with two
or less vehicles on blocks) might have
the statuette actually sitting on the ground,
while a 100-acre plantation might have
the statuette prominentlly displayed on
a brick or cement pillar as tall as six
feet or more.
(Photo
left) This virtually life-size statuette
is one of two which guards a small brick
middle-class mansion. It is displayed on
a low iron pedestal which affords it an
adequate view of the 3/4 acre lot over
which it presides. Note how the original
finish has faded allowing the classic concrete
patina to show through. |
It
is believed this imparts the ability for
the guardian to see farther as needed to
protect the acreage to which it is assigned.
They usually are displayed in pairs, a
custom believed to be designed to confuse
intruders, being that one of the Guardians
could be fake, and the other real. By not
knowing which is which, intruders tend
to avoid both. Note that in both photos
presented here the statuettes are shown
with stones randomly placed around them.
These are not just stones, but represent
their victims. This is explained in the
legend behind these wondrous Guardian Bullfrogs,
a legend of mystery and magic. Lest you
find yourself synical, it is recommended
you read the Secret
Legend of the Guardian Bullfrog with
an open mind. There have always been deep
secrets in the South, of which this is
but one.
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 (Photo
above) Here we see another example of
the pedestal used for the Guardian Bullfrog.
This one is slightly taller than the
previous example, with a double tier
to give it slightly more prominence.
This one guards a middle-class ranch-style
mansion with an acre and a half lot,
requiring a higher view. |
THE ATTACK BULLFROG:
A subspecies (Scientific name:
Amphibia Bullisauri Pontificus
Minor)
Guardian
Bullfrogs were little-known outside the
deep South until recently when one made
itself rather widely-known. You see, within
the last 25 years, there has been a new
breed of sorts. It has been discovered
that some of the Guardian Bullfrog's young
which do not inherit the "stone transformation" abilities
still retain the size and much of the protective
attitude of their more magically endowed
parents. These have often been successfully
trained as roaming Attack Bullfrogs. While
Attack Bullfrogs are known for their total
lack of fear and tenacity, this particular
one made quite a name for itself when it
attacked a huge beer truck, and has been
seen all around the country, still tenaciously
hanging onto the back of that truck, even
while speeding down the highway. Reports
have come in from all over as folks spot
it and are amazed at its spunk and willpower.
It's my bet that when it gets tired, it
will finally let go of that beer truck
and simply TAKE THAT DRIVER OUT! Someone
really should warn that driver!
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 THE
PITBULLFROG:
Another subspecies (Scientific name:
Amphibia Bullisauri Voracious Rex)
Even
Yankees have heard of alligator farms,
though they've never seen a documentary
on PBS about one. What they don't know
is how the alligators are herded from one
gator hole to another without wandering
off and getting lost in the swamp, or how
they're herded into the skinning pens so
the hides can be harvested?
As any southern boy knows, gater farmers
use Pitbullfrogs, a subspecies so
vicious that even gaters are afraid of
them. When properly trained, Pitbullfrogs
can herd gaters efficiently and effectively,
directed by the croaking-call commands
of the gater farmer (see below). The farmers
often become quite "attached" to their
Pitbullfrogs, especially when they forget
and absentmindedly allow one of their pets
to lick them.
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Point
of interest:
The "croaking call" is made from an empty
beer keg with both ends removed. A piece
of gater hide is stretched over one end,
to which a resined rope is attached. The
rope is "stroked" with a rubber-gloved
hand. The vibrations caused by the resined
rope are amplified by the keg, sounding
like a bullfrog's call, and can be heard
up to three miles away.
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